life is pointless.
i can never get ahead.
i fell too far behind.

now i just find substitutes that for a short period make me feel ahead of it all.

sick beautiful memories of you find their way to the surface of every thought. every emotion twists itself into a numbness within my soul. glass screens fall over my eyes, all i see is you. all i feel is you. all i know is you. all i remember is you. you're by my side, my hand inside yours. i'm engulfed by the safety in your kiss. i walk down the empty, lifeless hall. i glance at the vacant bed. you're laying on the bed. smoking your cigarette, drinking a heineken, &you've got a bowl in your hand. "come on, lets go outside." you wander to the backyard, bear walking at your side. you turn back, look at me "c'mon babe, i ain't paying you by the hour," you laugh. turn back outside, crack the back door &listen as i trudge down the hall. "it's cold," i whine. "i'll keep you warm, here's my jacket, sit in my lap &we'll stay warm." i sit. my bones collide into your thin legs. but we intertwine ourselves, our bodies and souls melt into one.

"lets stay like this forever," i whisper. "we will," you whisper back with an edge in your voice. that amazing edge that tells it's exactly how you're feeling with every inch of your body in that very moment. your heart beats slowly, comfortably against my back. a lump swells to my throat. i swallow it down. we lose ourselves in the clouds of dingy, grey smoke. i feel so amazingly comfortable. at ease. a relaxation and a safeness that's never existed before this moment. "i love you," i can tell the words ease off your tongue. you're used to the feeling. you love the excitement of it. seconds tick into minutes as we relax in a tranquil silence. we envelope each other in our rhythms. you lean upwards and disappear into the smoke. i'm left in the cold, alone, and your promises turn into lies that slink from my chest and lie about the ground for me to look at and remember. soon your memory will only be a lie.

//:edit://

what am i to do someone here is really not happy put myself on a line it seems i never got through to you so i wean myself off slowly i'm a darkened soul my streets all pop music and gold all our lives are on tv you switch off and try to sleep people get so lonely i believe i believe i believe everything's out to sea i believe i believe i believe i believe that is the way it should be i hope you feel the same everyone is dying stop crying now here comes the sun i didn't mean to hurt you no no no it takes time to see what you have done so i wean myself off slowly i believe i believe i believe love is the only one i deceive i deceive i deceive i deceive 'cause i'm not that strong hope you feel the same and now it seems that we're falling apart but i hope i see the good in you come back again i just believed in you

i sit here in the past just trying to remember every second of what it is like. "come here, listen to this," he says. he switches off the lights,  i lay my head on his broad chest. it's strong and secure, and exactly where i want to spend the rest of my life. he wraps his strong arms around me and i breathe in and smell that curious smell of what could only be explained as old spice and cigarettes. but it's his smell and i love his smell. we listen to the song and i become entranced and i realize this is where i'll stay the rest of my life. it's the perfect embrace. the song is so beautiful, and peaceful, and almost tragic. but that doesn't matter we lay there and take in all of its beauty. and as it ends i think to myself how i never want this song to end because what if this feeling ends, this perfect feeling. but the song ends and we just lay there longer, i listen to his heartbeat and his deep breathing as we both are completely lost in a moment and i know he wishes the song had never ended either.  

________________

suicide notes:

paul-
i love you so much more than i have ever loved anyone else in the world. when i see you or touch you or even hear your voice, my heart sinks and suddenly i realize i'm alive. you gave me that. thank you so much for giving me that. if i do not have you than i am already dead, whether or not my body is creating a pulse. my heart has no pulse now. so soon i will not either. i love you so much goober.

mom-
you're my other best friend. thank you for giving me life. its not fair of me to take it away. but i must. i can't handle this anymore. you've been so great sorry if i've ever hurt you. i love you.

&there it is. another life has been taken.

okkkkk i'm fasting today.
hopefully.
as long as the weed doesn't make me crave fat disgusting calories.
but i'm going to resort back to my rubber band punishment and pictures of my previous pretty-ish self to keep me on track. oh yeah &jack johnson &fiona apple. i.love.memories.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10 11 12 13 14
15 16 17 18 19
20 21 22 23 24

it's a beautiful day today.